I'm out of high school. Next week is graduation, but I made it. For me, I've already graduated, I've already done it. I left the school after finishing my finals, said my goodbyes, period. The end. All that's left is a ceremony to reconfirm what I already know.
The school has said goodbye to us, like it does all seniors. It's been saying goodbye all year, and we've finally decided to listen to it and respond.
You know what? Last years seniors are but a quiet memory, and the years before are nearly nonexistent. We're the same. This freshmen class never really knew us, just like I never really knew my seniors. We're all eagerly straining for our time, like dogs on a leash, and when the leash snaps, we're left tumbling out of control into places we could never have imagined. College, life, whatever you're doing, we've been cut off and we're stumbling alone, but at least we're stumbling. This is the part of your life that you have to plunge into by yourself. In the end, you're making your own decisions. Sure, it's scary as hell, but we're doing it.
Who are we?
Hah, we thought we'd know by the end of high school, but really, we're just starting out. Will we ever know? Probably not. We constantly morph.
I did it, though.
I made it out of the dark spots and came out alive and better because of it. I went through medication and spouts of tears from frustration, heartbreak and disappointments that will forever stay with me, but I did it.
Allstate completely broke my heart. Everyone told me I'd make it, two years running. It never happened. I'm out of it, though. I'm on a scholarship to sing for Knox. I may not be the best, but I'm continuing even when I feel I have no talent and nothing left to give. I keep hoping it'll turn around, and sometimes, when I sing to myself at home, I feel like I'm returning to myself.
The OCD medication shifted me, but I feel better even though it put me through hell. I don't know how much I changed because of it, and how much of the old me is left, and how much I want back. Do I want anything back?
When I left the school, it started raining. (Mr. Kraemer had told Ashley, Dani, and I that he was going to miss us and he thanked us for going above and beyond in art.) It had been sunny and beautiful and then BAM. As the bell rang and I trudged out to my car, laden with my saxophone and bags, I did something that I never do. I put my things in my car, then I stood out in the rain.
I've never really done that.
(I've always been afraid that I'll catch pneumonia.)
Dani opened the door to her car, and instead of climbing it, stood up on the ledge and pumped a fist in the air. We heard all sorts of honking from seniors celebrating, so we joined in. My broken car horn even worked for awhile. (It died near the end again.) Ashley came out and we had a group hug. In the rain.
We did it.
Sentimental. Yes. Sentimental.
And it'll forever be burned into my mind.
We did it.
I did it.
Have a great week.
