Hey, everyone. Guess what? I just really want to talk. Ready? Here we go.
I don't know how I'm supposed to feel right now. How are people supposed to feel when their family member is seriously ill? Are we supposed to be fragile? Are we supposed to be strong? How are we expected to react. I've been feeling numb for quite awhile now. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing about anything.
I've only missed one day of school this year and it was either last Wednesday or the Wednesday before it. Oh, I think it was the Wednesday before it. I took that day off to breathe a bit and to emotionally get my game face back.
I haven't been blogging because this is the major event my life is circling about right now. I don't know if I can talk about it here, so I've stayed away so I wouldn't be tempted, but now when I think about it, it may be the most important thing to document. When I look back at this blog someday, I'll see these holes and I'll remember what happened at this time, but I think it's good to remember how I emotionally felt on this afternoon.
It's snowing, it's gray. I keep glancing out the window to watch the branches in the wind. Ron Pope is playing, which just adds to the atmosphere.
I just don't know.
Apparently more and more people are finding out. Dani messaged me to tell me that her mom knew about it, and her mom even knew the stage the cancer was at. So people know now. So I think it's okay to mention it in passing here. I don't want to be specific, because I'm constantly afraid to acknowledge it, because as much as I try to be optimistic, I can't help but feeling scared.
I keep thinking about Rosemary Roth, the former middle school nurse who passed a couple of years ago. Her kids are around my sibling and I's age, and I keep thinking of how they must have felt and what if that happens to me. What if my siblings and I go through that.
How do you go on after people leave you? I'm so scared.
I keep thinking about a song lyric in Into the Woods, because I had to sing it over and over again this semester and that's: "Mother cannot guide you / Now you're on your own" and then "Sometimes people leave you / halfway through the woods"
Man, that brings me back. Into the Woods really had a lot of messages to take away from anything. I miss being in that musical. It was probably my favorite musical to be in. Whenever I see any lyrics having to deal with the witch, I smirk. I still remember all the words to the vegetable rap.
I just don't know. I don't want to be dramatic, but since I'm being dramatic that's just how it is.
I will be optimistic, but I'm still very scared, because it feels like every turn has something new to punch you in the gut.
It's finals week, by the way. I'll be home next week.
This week's quote is by Dorian.
Have a great week.
