Another step towards the new

I went back and removed my old posts from high school tonight. Didn't delete them, but made them into drafts. There's only so much naivety that I want to share with the world, though I am quite aware that this blog is as dusty as the space behind my fridge. No one else reads this but me now, and when I am on the cusp on a life change, I come back and visit this space like an old friend. 

I ended up staying in Japan for 6 years because of corona. I am still here now. It is a quiet Friday evening in my tiny apartment. My cat, Percy, has climbed up onto the bathroom sink and is highly invested in knocking things off. The scent of damp laundry hangs in the air. 

Yes, I am still here now, but this part of my life is approaching its inevitable conclusion. Japan was always temporary, always transient. It was a heartbeat, an inhale, an exhale, a step forward. It was one year, then two, then five, then a surprise 6th. When I came here I was looking for answers, for a reason to live, for anything that was different than what I'd just come from. I was only starting out, and I was lost trying to find adulthood without my mother's guiding hand. 

And now here I am.

I have been in a dream. I have been living in one for years. I have trudged through mist and stumbled in mud. I have pulled myself out of whirlpools and here I am. A new future is burning its way through the fog. I have accepted an offer for graduate school this past Monday. I will be getting a degree in art. It is a new dream come to life. 

This may not seem like much of a triumph to others, but for me it is solid proof of my hopes and a quiet victory over my fears. It is another way I can tell I am still alive. That I am making progress, despite feeling like I've been in limbo for years. It is no secret that I have struggled with mental health all my life. My mother's death exacerbated everything, and I try my best to work with myself. 

Living here truly was a miracle. I don't think I could have come so far if I hadn't traveled to the other side of the world to do it. Though it is covered by postcards adorned with squiggly drawings, underneath, the white board on the wall reads out "POSITIVITY." 

I am trying, and I am doing better.

I'll leave off for now. Until next time. Have a great week.