Hey, everyone. I'm having a hard time, so I'm just going to share some passages from my grief journal. Ready? Here we go.
From 2/15/15:
Eventually I'll be able to think of you and not be sad, instead I'll remember all the times we had together-not the times we didn't and wouldn't in the future. I'll be able to think, "I wish mom was here." in those moments. And then I'll remember the times you were.
When I read through my journal, I can remember each instance and each dream described with incredible visibility. I wonder if this will be the most vivid year of my life. I can recall so many painful things.
When I'm reading through this journal, I can see every place where my heart broke. There are a lot of entries where all I'm saying is, "Mom, I miss you so much. I want you back. Why did this happen? I miss you so much. It's just not fair." over and over again.
This weekend has been pretty awful for me. I feel very broken. Mother's Day is next weekend. It feels very cruel.
Have a great week.
Sunday, May 3, 2015
Friday, May 1, 2015
mother's day is coming up
Hey everyone. It's Friday and I kind of missed a few Sundays, but I'm here now. Ready? Here we go.
After only 3 months since mom's passing, dad's already dating someone else. Her name is Jan and I feel like I already know too much about Jan without actually having met Jan yet. The thing is, Dorian already had to eat out with her and dad, and dad said he'd take me out to dinner too (he didn't mention Jan because he hasn't mentioned Jan at all to me yet. He probably doesn't think I know about her yet.) But the thing is, the next time I come home is next week for Mother's Day. I'm not sure if I want to meet Jan on Mother's Day weekend, and when I say I'm not sure, I mean I'm definitely sure.
Mother's Day is looming and I'm just worried about my mental health in this upcoming week. Last year, I had pneumonia at this time and couldn't go home for Mother's Day. I remember calling mom about it and feeling bad but she told me that it was alright because "we love each other." Well, that was the last mother's day we could have spent together. She's not here anymore, but I still know we love each other.
People don't get how hard it is to get up every day. I have to deal with everyone else's actions while trying to grieve at the same time. I'm trying to deal with Jan's existence as well as other such issues. I graduate in about a month.
I'm tired of dealing with things. I feel like I'm back in high school facing my senior graduation. I was really tired of everything then too.
I just wanted to drop in and talk a little, but now I'm done for tonight.
Have a great week.
After only 3 months since mom's passing, dad's already dating someone else. Her name is Jan and I feel like I already know too much about Jan without actually having met Jan yet. The thing is, Dorian already had to eat out with her and dad, and dad said he'd take me out to dinner too (he didn't mention Jan because he hasn't mentioned Jan at all to me yet. He probably doesn't think I know about her yet.) But the thing is, the next time I come home is next week for Mother's Day. I'm not sure if I want to meet Jan on Mother's Day weekend, and when I say I'm not sure, I mean I'm definitely sure.
Mother's Day is looming and I'm just worried about my mental health in this upcoming week. Last year, I had pneumonia at this time and couldn't go home for Mother's Day. I remember calling mom about it and feeling bad but she told me that it was alright because "we love each other." Well, that was the last mother's day we could have spent together. She's not here anymore, but I still know we love each other.
People don't get how hard it is to get up every day. I have to deal with everyone else's actions while trying to grieve at the same time. I'm trying to deal with Jan's existence as well as other such issues. I graduate in about a month.
I'm tired of dealing with things. I feel like I'm back in high school facing my senior graduation. I was really tired of everything then too.
I just wanted to drop in and talk a little, but now I'm done for tonight.
Have a great week.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)