Good things & bad things

Hey, everyone. It's not Sunday, but I'm in a place to talk, so I'm going to. Ready? Here we go.

I'm feeling very low right now, but before I discuss that, let me make an announcement. This Monday I received the email that I was accepted into the teaching program I wanted to be in. That means, I will be moving to Japan in July. This is a highly competitive program and I am proud to have been selected for it.

I've been running around all week to get more paperwork done. I swear, it never ends. It's okay after I get it done though because I feel very accomplished. I tell myself, with every step I take, I become more of an adult. I mean, I technically am an adult, but sometimes I feel very small.

I've felt stronger since Spring started, but Easter has me feeling pretty low. Typically it's one of my favorite holidays because of the surplus bunny stuffed animals and my favorite type of chocolate being on the shelf. However, it's also the first big holiday without my mom. I know that not everyone celebrates Easter, but my family always has a family reunion at my grandparent's house.

The last time we had a family reunion, my mom was still with us. I sat next to her at the table. I didn't know that that night she would fall and then the next day all the migraines would start and her health would decline. I didn't know and now here I am. Last year at this time my mom was still alive. I was looking at her pictures on facebook and there's one of her smiling from April 3rd.

I've said it a thousand times, but it's not fair. Since I've had a couple of good weeks, I feel like people expect me to be okay all the time now. Since I'm not actively crying in front of anyone, I feel like I'm expected to be alright. I'm really not okay. I'm miserable today. My emotions manifest themselves poorly too. I constantly think I'm annoying and whiny and I'll mention something about myself and it'll seem like I need my ego boosted, but really I just want a confirmation that I'm not garbage because I feel like I am a lot. And now I feel bad for needing that and I just keep telling myself that yes, I am garbage.

I know I'm not garbage, but it's hard to not feel like trash.

I was asked to be a panelist for my school's prospective student day, and everything was fine until it was mentioned that everyone was an Honor's student. I didn't do honors. I said I would before school started this year, but I didn't do it. It's not that I couldn't do it academically, I've made the Dean's list 9 times, but I started this school year with the knowledge that my mom was probably going to pass sometime this year. Of course I wasn't going to do that to myself. But it's still embarrassing to be in a position where you could've done honors and you didn't and now you're surrounded by people who did. And it's not that it's too hard for me to do, it's that my mother literally died and I would've had to drop it winter term anyway because I don't even know how I made it through winter term. I somehow got straight A's even though I was miserable every day.

I guess I'm just pissed that I feel inadequate even though I'm doing the best I can. But at the same time, I ask myself, "Am I doing the best I can?" Probably not. I should try harder. I always manage to make everyone else in the vicinity feel bad too. I feel like a constant burden to everyone around me.

What would really piss me off is if people thought I had it easy. I suppose that's childish to say, but just because I'm good at something doesn't mean it's easy necessarily. Yes, I have a job after graduation. Yes, I'm doing well academically. BUT my mother DIED. This is the same feeling I had in earlier posts where I said that I was doing fine, but I wasn't doing fine. You might say, no one is going to think you have it easy! But my little sister was told by her friends that they were jealous of her because she was only taking two classes in college because she had to drop two-three because mom died.

I'm just tired and sad and I have a lot of things coming up that I need to do. I have a presentation next Friday, and after that a hearing for my recital, and another admitted students day, more paperwork and who knows what else.

Have a great week.