Nights

Hey, everyone. I actually remembered to continue to post. Let's see if I can keep this up. Ready? Here we go.

Every since my mom passed away, I'm scared of falling asleep. My siblings have been having problems sleeping as well, but I don't think it's from fear. I'm always terrified that if I fall asleep, I won't wake up. Lately, I've been having anxiety attacks daily, if not more than once a day. It's exhausting to be afraid all the time.

I know that I have nothing to be afraid of, but my mom's cancer seemed so sudden and after two years she passed. The moment we found out about the diagnosis, we knew that we didn't have much time left together. That sort of thing is terrifying to me.

When I type this, it seems silly to be afraid of things, but I can't help myself when I wake up in the middle of the night and suddenly I'm afraid to close my eyes. I don't understand it, but I know where it comes from. Whenever I drive long distances, I have anxiety attacks too. That's because my car kept stalling in the middle of the highway. It's finally fixed now, (it had an ignition problem and the battery was low), but I can't stop the lingering fear. As soon as I sit in my car, I feel nauseous and light-headed.

I wish I was a stronger person. I may have gotten straight A's for Winter Term, but my anxiety is very disabling right now. I'm concerned about being able to function next year. I hope that it doesn't keep getting in the way and that'll go away soon.

Mom died in front of my eyes and it was extremely traumatic for me. I'm glad I was there. It was very painful, but I'm glad I was there for her in those last moments, but the image is seared into my brain and I'm afraid of dying. I'm also just very tired, very very tired.

I'm going to stop this here, but yeah, I'm tired and I'm very tired of being afraid of everything.

Have a great week.