Had strange and slightly disquieting dreams. Hungry for flight. I think I need to travel somewhere far away.

Hey, everyone. Guess what? How do I even begin... Ready? Here we go.

How do I even begin to describe these past two weeks? I went to Oregon, watched my eldest sister get married, came back...

Let's see...

The wedding was in a vineyard, which in itself is lovely and romantic. The rows and rows of grapevines ended only to be met with blue mountains. The clouds hung over the mountains, heavy with the promise of rain. The sky itself was fickle. It was inclined to be sunny one moment, and rainy the next. There was a breeze that worried the hair, but was refreshing at the same time. The temperature was lovely... much chillier than it was in Iowa which was rocketing up into the 100's.

During the ceremony, well, I don't ever cry, but I came close when I was singing "The Story" by Brandi Carlile. You know, when you're singing, it's like everything is frozen. There is nothing else around you when you sing, and yet there is. But you're in the moment. There is nothing but the moment. Nothing but the words and the feelings you are trying to convey. My voice faltered a bit when I looked at Carissa for too long, so I had to snap my gaze away.

But really, what I want to emphasize is the sheer perfectness of everything. Even with the temperamental weather, it was perfectly and wonderfully beautiful. The looks on Kylan and Carissa' faces was enough to make anyone cry. They were just so happy. At that moment, I knew they were perfect for each other. Absolutely and completely. You would have to be a fool not to see it.

Now I, I almost wish I could have said that during Dorian and I's toast, but when I speak, I feel like I cannot properly convey what I wish to say. I always go for the funny and the jokes. But really, I want something like that someday.

The rest of the night was filled with a live band that played all sorts of music, including...correct me if I'm wrong, traditional Jewish dances and polka. Those were my favorite. We danced the night away in a vineyard framed by mountains. It was all very magical.

I mean, there was even a damn rainbow. How much more magical can you get?

We were all squished together under a tarp, but no one seemed to mind as we whirled and whirled. People huddled together at tables lit by tea candles floating in small glass containers filled with flowers. The night fell around us.

Family is magical.

It's a magical feeling to feel so connected to everyone and to be so happy. I know that their happy faces will stick in my mind forever. Especially when they were at the alter and the rain started falling.

I want something like that for myself someday.

It really was the perfect evening for them, and I hope they thought so too. I wish Kylan and Carissa love with all my heart.

After the wedding, it was time for goodbyes that following morning. I teared up when Ryan, Kyle, and Liz left. The next day, we traveled from Ashland, Oregon to Bandon, Oregon. There, I saw the other coast. Oregon is pretty magical in itself. I mean, you all should know how crazy I am about Iowa. I'm extremely...Iowan. No state can equal Iowa. But Oregon, Oregon quickly climbed its way into my heart. As I looked out the window after riding horses on the beach, I could see myself living in a small town on the coast like that... someday. Shuffling along the beach, bending to pick up pieces of driftwood... running my fingers across the smooth, sun-bleached surface.

I used to think that I loved the ocean near Maryland and Florida, but now that I think of it, I'm not really one for warm beaches. The harsh landscape of the Oregon beaches appealed to my sense of aesthetics.  The jagged rocks, the chilly ocean breeze, it was all perfectly lovely. I fear I will always be torn by longing. I don't know if it will be for places though. No, I am more interested in the moments.

It's like the beach in Normandy that I was at a year ago these past couple of weeks. I could see the remnants of the past out in the ocean. They were such lonely sentinels that contrasted sharply with the warmth of the sand and ocean spray. Normandy will also be one of my favorite beaches. It was an absolutely perfect day.

But...back to longing. I know when I go to Japan, I will long for home, but when I come back to Iowa, I will long for Japan. It's ridiculous, but I already long for the place. The more pictures I see, the more things I watch, the more I believe I am destined to go there. It's all very mono no aware, which means the bittersweetness of life, or nostalgia. (It was a very common theme found in Heian writing.)

But speaking of Japan, I am worried. I feel like I'm having a mini life crisis. I'm not sure what I want for myself. More and more I look at my pets and think, "Am I lying to myself?" All of my life I've surrounded myself by small, living creatures. Animals like me. It's almost instinctive. Hell, Jade's cats greeted me and snuggled me immediately, and only later did Jade tell me that it takes weeks for them to warm up to a newcomer, because they had once been feral.

I feel like I'm denying parts of myself by choosing one career path. It's because I want to do everything. I want to be everything. Sometimes, I wish I was narrow minded and that I had one career path, because I just knew that's what I wanted to do with myself. Like my dad, he knew he always wanted to be a doctor. How can people be so sure? Am I lying to myself by saying I want to do something else, when I'm realizing how deep my passion for living things goes? Hell, behind me are two guinea pigs, one rabbit, two fish, and a turtle. That is my room, guys.

I don't know what to do with myself! I know I'm smart enough to do it, but am I really? I know I'm smart, but will I ever be smart enough? In other words: will I ever be good enough at science if I choose animals? Will I ever be fluent enough with Japanese to even consider it as a career? I feel trapped.

Who am I? What do I want? Do I want anything?

There are some things I am sure about.
One. I will never chose to be a professional singer. It's silly to say this, since I'm only 19, but life so far has stolen some very precious pieces of me. High school broke the pieces of me that thought I would be  good enough in that aspect. I sing for a small part of my soul. It is a piece of me that is infinitely precious, but it was trampled a long time ago. I sing for family, it may sound silly to some of you, but God, and the piece of me that still wants to be heard.

Two: I will never be a writer. It's impractical, and I am not passionate or good enough. (I bring this up because I want to be one in 8th grade. And earlier, I suppose.) But that's over. I'm done with that. It's something I do for fun every now and then.

Three: I will not let myself have an allied field in history. I am saying this now, and I am going to say it strongly. I am not going to do this to myself. Bethany, just because it's easy for you, does not mean you care enough to do it. I have a mind for memorizing. History is easy. It is so damn easy. I am not interested in it enough. As much as I like old books, and enjoy reaching into the past, I am not interested enough to work with them.

Four: Bethany, why are you settling for a vet idea? That is not what you want either. You let that go a long time ago. I don't want to work with animals like that, if I were. I don't want to go every day and see a flurry of patients. I want relationships with animals, or I want nature. I don't want an office setting. I can't work like that. You scared yourself into thinking about it, because a vet is the only idea you have when it comes to animals.

I am hoping that the Earth Science class I am going to be taking this fall will give me a clue. It's something I've thought about, but I actually like the environment. The sky, the rocks, the clouds... Animals are part of the environment. What if I could do something about the Japanese environment? Since there's so much radiation right now...

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I want my future.

But I don't know how to get there.

This was a really long blog post. Sorry to clog it all up! But, really, Carissa and Kylan deserve to be happy. I love them both so much. I want them to be happy forever, because what they have is real and perfect and no one can take it away from them. I love you guys, and best wishes. Take care of each other. Even though we are separated by a vast expanse of land, know that we are connected by our bonds to each other. You can't break those bonds. They're some of the most important bonds we can ever forge in our lives. Those bonds are family. And I really, really love my family. They're so important to me, and I missed everyone so much. I still do.

This week's quote is by Julia Larson.

Have a great week.
And then I realized that it's Saturday.