It's out of habit that I still say that, because back when I started this blog there were people that were on blogger. Now I don't really know of anyone. It's probably better that way, so I can just say these things and get them out without having to account for them.
I brought one of the lilies in our garden to my mom the other day.
I was thinking of the picture mom drew that I talked about in the last post. She said she loved sunshine & flowers, and the day was beautiful. I awkwardly crouched by her gravestone and told her that it was "sunny out today." And by told her, I mean I quietly mumbled it because there was a lady chatting on her phone in the cemetery parking lot, and I didn't want to look like I was talking to myself, and I didn't want to look pathetic as I talked to my mom's grave.
I'm really very lonely.
I'm moving to the other side of the world in 14 days and I feel other than my family there are maybe one or two others that might miss me. Well, I know for sure Dani will miss me. She's told me and I'm going to miss her too. My pets will miss me as well, but people, not so much.
I wish I was leaving the country with a firmer foundation than I have right now. That makes it harder to leave, but it's also there when you crumble.
I've thrown out a lot of my possessions, and I'll have to leave even more behind and...there's something about that that's freeing, but it's still very lonely. I can't help but think that I'm throwing things out as a way to pacify the part of me that's missing my mother. Whenever I can't decide if I want to keep something, I tell myself, "Well, you already lost mom, what else could be that important?" and I throw it out.
Here is the picture from last week that I was talking about. With that said, I'm going to stop typing.
