Nights

Hey, everyone. I actually remembered to continue to post. Let's see if I can keep this up. Ready? Here we go.

Every since my mom passed away, I'm scared of falling asleep. My siblings have been having problems sleeping as well, but I don't think it's from fear. I'm always terrified that if I fall asleep, I won't wake up. Lately, I've been having anxiety attacks daily, if not more than once a day. It's exhausting to be afraid all the time.

I know that I have nothing to be afraid of, but my mom's cancer seemed so sudden and after two years she passed. The moment we found out about the diagnosis, we knew that we didn't have much time left together. That sort of thing is terrifying to me.

When I type this, it seems silly to be afraid of things, but I can't help myself when I wake up in the middle of the night and suddenly I'm afraid to close my eyes. I don't understand it, but I know where it comes from. Whenever I drive long distances, I have anxiety attacks too. That's because my car kept stalling in the middle of the highway. It's finally fixed now, (it had an ignition problem and the battery was low), but I can't stop the lingering fear. As soon as I sit in my car, I feel nauseous and light-headed.

I wish I was a stronger person. I may have gotten straight A's for Winter Term, but my anxiety is very disabling right now. I'm concerned about being able to function next year. I hope that it doesn't keep getting in the way and that'll go away soon.

Mom died in front of my eyes and it was extremely traumatic for me. I'm glad I was there. It was very painful, but I'm glad I was there for her in those last moments, but the image is seared into my brain and I'm afraid of dying. I'm also just very tired, very very tired.

I'm going to stop this here, but yeah, I'm tired and I'm very tired of being afraid of everything.

Have a great week.

My last term

Hey, everyone.

I haven't posted since my mom passed two months ago. I feel like I've been in a fog and I'm not sure how I got through these months. I decided to take up blogging again, or at least I tell myself that I will. Last night, I was laying in bed and I thought that I should make this post.

I mentioned in an earlier post that someday I would look back on these years and see all the holes from when I didn't blog. I posted the following quote March 11, 2013, a little over two years ago:

I haven't been blogging because this is the major event my life is circling about right now. I don't know if I can talk about it here, so I've stayed away so I wouldn't be tempted, but now when I think about it, it may be the most important thing to document. When I look back at this blog someday, I'll see these holes and I'll remember what happened at this time, but I think it's good to remember how I emotionally felt on this afternoon.

Well, I never did get back into blogging and I think part of it was a self-defense mechanism. I didn't want to reflect on what was happening. I tried to be hopeful and pretend like my mother wasn't dying. I wrote plenty of quick posts on my tumblr, but those are now buried in my archive. If I ever want to relive those moments, I can dig them up again. But here there will always be two years missing of my life. That's fine. They were important, but they were also very sad. It's hard for me to be patient with myself. I even told my therapist that I didn't know if I had the right to be sad. I do, my mother died, but I'm still not sure. 

I did some pretty mean things to myself these past couple of months. I only took a week and a half off from school. I refused to set my midterm back and had it the following Monday after I returned to school on Tuesday. The week following that was the first week of February and coincidentally my birthday week and the week we found out about mom's cancer two years ago. That weekend, I had a job interview. They asked me how I would handle my mother's illness overseas. I told them that she'd passed away last month and then after the interview I beat myself up for answering so poorly. I didn't give myself a break from work. I made myself get up at 6:30 am every day for work even though I quite literally hated myself. I refused to take any offers for time off. I told myself that I should at least be able to do this much. Mom would have wanted me to continue. 

But would she have? Mom knew this was going to be hard. That's why she didn't want me to sing at the funeral. So I didn't sing at her funeral. I sang a duet at her burial with my sister. I don't know how I did any of this. I cried for a few minutes after she passed, and then I went numb and couldn't cry anymore. I cried later that night and then the next morning I got up at 9 am to write her obituary. That week my sisters and I planned her funeral and then it happened and we buried her and left. The day after we sorted through her clothes, and then we sorted through her jewelry. I don't know how we did any of this. I don't know how I got three A-'s and one A for my finals for Winter Term. People told me I was very strong, but I wasn't very strong at all. Yet, there's a lot of times where I told myself I am strong, but that's only when I'm feeling better. 

There were some weeks where my mood was so dark, that I hated everything about myself. The first time I met with my therapist she asked me the normal questions like, "Do you have suicidal thoughts? Or thoughts of hurting yourself?" You know, that normal sort of thing. I told her no because that's not what my mom would have wanted. I held onto that thought so even when I was in my darkest places, I knew that I would see the other side of it. It was not easy and I may have eaten too much junk food to spite myself, but I emerged from that and here I am. The first couple of warm days were the most precious days I have ever felt. It felt like I was being washed with light. I have never felt so peaceful as when I was walking in the sunlight for the first time in months. I said to myself, "Mom, I'm going to be okay." Of course, I had moments a few days later where I felt sad and I didn't know how I was going to keep going without my mom, but even now I have a feeling that I will be okay. 

I've had lots of dreams about my mom, and by lots I mean about three or four. The first dream I had with her in it was the most precious dream. We were sitting in my parents' bedroom and there was the hospital bed that we rented during Christmas break. She was sitting at the head of it on the edge. She was wearing her ruffled black, brown, and cream shirt. In this dream, we both acknowledged that she had already passed. She told me that there were ten chairs that were filled with people who had gone before, and that it had been amazing. She also told me that she was okay. She was fine. I believed her because she looked like she had before she had been sick. My mom is okay now. She told me. I still miss her though. I woke up crying. 

It occurred to me last night that four years ago at this time, I would have never pictured myself in the position I am in now.  At this time four years ago I was finishing up with high school. I was dealing with a huge shift in my life and I was very introspective. The introspective side of me was lost when I first got into college. Instead, when I read through those posts, I only see a very shallow side of myself. I was excited, and I was only going to the motions with my blog.

One particular passage stood out to me. It's cheesy and definitely written by a high schooler, but I wanted to share it. It's from May 22, 2011:

The school has said goodbye to us, like it does all seniors. It's been saying goodbye all year, and we've finally decided to listen to it and respond.

You know what? Last years seniors are but a quiet memory, and the years before are nearly nonexistent. We're the same. This freshmen class never really knew us, just like I never really knew my seniors. We're all eagerly straining for our time, like dogs on a leash, and when the leash snaps, we're left tumbling out of control into places we could never have imagined. College, life, whatever you're doing, we've been cut off and we're stumbling alone, but at least we're stumbling. This is the part of your life that you have to plunge into by yourself. In the end, you're making your own decisions. Sure, it's scary as hell, but we're doing it.

Who are we?

Hah, we thought we'd know by the end of high school, but really, we're just starting out. Will we ever know? Probably not. We constantly morph.

I'm entering my final Spring term tomorrow, and I still don't know who I am. I'm reevaluating myself and learning to live without my mom. I have a feeling these next couple of months will be rough. I'll have my senior recital and my senior art show and my mom won't be there to cheer me on. I will search for her face in the crowd, and she will not be there. It seems weird that I will be finishing college without her, when we started the whole process together. My mom is the one that took me to college visit days and the one that drove me to my college scholarship auditions. Her absence is felt every day of my life. There is not a day where I think that I would not like to call her to tell her about something. It's hard to deal with. It's hard to know she's gone. My professor told me at my final that he was moved by the work I'd done this semester. I still don't think I did enough, I could have done more. Well, I probably couldn't have when the circumstances, but if my mom was still alive, everything would be different.

I suppose that's the way I just have to look at life. If mom was here still everything would be different. But she's not, so I have to live with what I have. My mom's death was without reason. It was senseless, it was cruel, it was too soon. There was nothing good about it, so when people tell me that she is no longer in pain, I just want to tell them that there was no reason for my mom to die. There was no reason to it at all. Those comments only help them feel better about comforting me. There was no reason. She should still be here. I can't accept fully that she's not, but I'm trying. 

I'm going to end this post here, as it's gone rather long. I will try to start keeping to a posting schedule. Until next time.

Have a great week. 

1/19/15

My mom died yesterday. I was there. I stroked her hair. I watched her go.
It was peaceful, and I know she was so sick and so tired from fighting for so long, but I still want her here with me.
I keep looking around my house at all the empty spaces. I'm never going to talk to her again. I can't call her anymore. She's never going to pick up the phone. She'll never walk through the front door. I won't see her outside gardening or filling up the birdseed. She's gone somewhere very far away. Maybe not as far, but somewhere unreachable. I feel very lost. I want to go home even though I am home. Mom was home. Mom's gone.

hospice notice

Today I came home from school for the weekend and saw the Hospice notice on the fridge. It had my mom's doctor on it and the various workers like a spiritual worker and a social worker. You know, everything feels real at moments like that, but most of the time it feels surreal. I still can't wrap my mind around all of this. I can't even begin to comprehend that my mom is going to be gone soon. I don't understand, and I feel so frustrated and I'm just so sad all the time.

I finally broke and told another professor about my mom. I need to talk to the Dean so they can do the thing when people are sick or have some issue and they send out a notice to the professors so they know the situation. That way, I won't have to sit and stare at an email for forever and feel guilty about sending it. I feel so terrible whenever I give in and let people know how bad things are.  I'm perfectly justified in feeling the way I do, but since it feels surreal, I don't believe it's actually happening, and I just can't even explain it.

Tonight I'm sad because the Hospice notice made it Real again. I'm really scared that in a couple of years I won't remember her voice, or I won't be able to see her face clearly in my mind. In a couple years I'll be looking at these last pictures my Aunt has been taking of her and it'll all seem so faraway. Or will it? What happens? How do people do this? How do people cope with this? I'm not coping well.

I'm so upset over small things. Like, when I was a kid I remember friends saying, "Oh yeah, my grandma/grandpa died before I was born, so I didn't even know them." And it wasn't important to them and I just think that if I ever have kids, they won't know about their grandmother and as much as I tell them about her, she'll just be an abstract idea. These are just little things I can't change, but I'm just so upset thinking that in a couple years some of this will be smoothed over, because I just feel so raw right now. I don't want to forget things. I'm scared of forgetting things. I'm just so sad and so scared.

I mostly talk to myself nowadays, instead of posting my thoughts here. I don't speak aloud or anything, I just talk while I'm brushing my teeth or washing my face. I talk myself into the shower and I talk myself out. But all of the talk is the same and all of it could have gone here, but I kept it to myself instead, because if I write it then it's permanent and it's There, and I can't get rid of it anymore.

I'm losing my mom to cancer.

And everyday I am sad.

I chose to stop posting in this blog for a very long time, or at least it seemed like a long time, but really it's only been since May. A year ago is when all of this started, and a year goes by so fast, and a year can change everything.

While I was in Japan, every other week I received some sort of Bad News. Then there was a Big Emergency, and all of this weighed on me, and I decided to come back at the end of the semester. Thinking back on it now, I'm very glad I did come back, even though there were times when I was unsure.

I guess none of this was Real to me. It wasn't Real because everyone was hopeful, or at least appeared that way before I left for Japan. Nothing was Real until I came back and I saw my mom losing weight, her hair, her speech. Even still, it didn't hit me until I found out about the bone cancer.

I don't know when it was that I first saw the effects of bone cancer on the internet. Lots of people my age and younger think that the effects of illness on the body is interesting, or cool, so they'll post things like 'the effects of bone cancer' and I remember seeing a messed up picture of a skull and feeling indifferent. But I now that I know things are happening to a person I love very dearly, it's taken that to a whole new level. It's not just some picture anymore. It's Real.

And now that it's Real, I get angry. I'm not angry at the universe or God or whatever, like people expect people like me to be. I feel like I'm supposed to blame everything and anyone and some higher power, but mostly I'm just angry because my mom will never see grandchildren, or the grand canyon, or the Northern Lights, and it's Not Fair.

I'm angry that people romanticize suffering and pain. I'm angry that books like The Fault in Our Stars exist. Cancer isn't quirky. It isn't a cute trait. It's not romantic. It's not beautiful. It's not something you use as a plot device. Cancer is sitting on your floor and crying into a pillow so your suitemates don't hear. Cancer is going on vacation and then going to the ER instead of shopping. Cancer is feeling everything that makes up your entire world shift. Cancer is Sad.

I'm angry at my own weakness and my inability to do anything. All I can do is go to school every day, and when I can't manage that I feel like I'm abusing my sadness, or that I'm letting it win. I got straight A's last semester, but my personal life is a mess. But it's not a mess, because I have great friends and I get up every day and go to work and school and come back and clean pet cages and socialize and smile, and it all looks amazing and great, and then someone will say something and I'll freeze because for some reason it makes me Sad and then I push it away only for it to come back later when I am alone.

I was in my drawing class about three weeks ago and a song came on over pandora and for some reason, my mood plummeted and all I could think about was being Sad and I left. And then I was guilty and angry at myself for not being able to hold it in, and that I had been doing so well and I had managed to nearly make it through the entire semester without missing a class.

When we drove back from our vacation today, my mom apologized to us for "messing up the vacation" and no matter what we said she still blamed herself. Then she told us to keep going on vacation as a family and to continue family traditions and she started crying because she was implying she wouldn't be there. The thought of her not being with us invokes a pain I can't even being to explain. There just aren't words.

I remember when I was a little kid and I was asking about God and my mom told me that God loved us so much that we can't even begin to imagine. I remember being surprised because how could a love greater than the one I felt for my family exist. How could a large, enveloping love exist outside of the one I already felt? I've had friends tell me that being religious makes it easier, because we know that they really aren't gone, but in truth, it doesn't make it easier, because when she's gone, I'm going to want a hug, or to hear her voice, or go to places and eat at silly small riverside restaurants together, and I won't be able to do that.

People say that high school or college are the best years of your life, and I don't believe that, but it's even harder to believe that I'll ever have 'the best years of my life' when my mom won't be around to share them with me. It's Not Fair.

Every day I am sad, and every day I grieve.

My mom just laughs when I call my brother a dip shit.

Hey, everyone. Guess what? I just really want to talk. Ready? Here we go.

I don't know how I'm supposed to feel right now. How are people supposed to feel when their family member is seriously ill? Are we supposed to be fragile? Are we supposed to be strong? How are we expected to react. I've been feeling numb for quite awhile now. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing about anything.

I've only missed one day of school this year and it was either last Wednesday or the Wednesday before it. Oh, I think it was the Wednesday before it. I took that day off to breathe a bit and to emotionally get my game face back.

I haven't been blogging because this is the major event my life is circling about right now. I don't know if I can talk about it here, so I've stayed away so I wouldn't be tempted, but now when I think about it, it may be the most important thing to document. When I look back at this blog someday, I'll see these holes and I'll remember what happened at this time, but I think it's good to remember how I emotionally felt on this afternoon.

It's snowing, it's gray. I keep glancing out the window to watch the branches in the wind. Ron Pope is playing, which just adds to the atmosphere.

I just don't know.

Apparently more and more people are finding out. Dani messaged me to tell me that her mom knew about it, and her mom even knew the stage the cancer was at. So people know now. So I think it's okay to mention it in passing here. I don't want to be specific, because I'm constantly afraid to acknowledge it, because as much as I try to be optimistic, I can't help but feeling scared.

I keep thinking about Rosemary Roth, the former middle school nurse who passed a couple of years ago. Her kids are around my sibling and I's age, and I keep thinking of how they must have felt and what if that happens to me. What if my siblings and I go through that.

How do you go on after people leave you? I'm so scared.

I keep thinking about a song lyric in Into the Woods, because I had to sing it over and over again this semester and that's: "Mother cannot guide you / Now you're on your own" and then "Sometimes people leave you / halfway through the woods"

Man, that brings me back. Into the Woods really had a lot of messages to take away from anything. I miss being in that musical. It was probably my favorite musical to be in. Whenever I see any lyrics having to deal with the witch, I smirk. I still remember all the words to the vegetable rap.

I just don't know. I don't want to be dramatic, but since I'm being dramatic that's just how it is.

I will be optimistic, but I'm still very scared, because it feels like every turn has something new to punch you in the gut.

It's finals week, by the way. I'll be home next week.

This week's quote is by Dorian.

Have a great week.

Had strange and slightly disquieting dreams. Hungry for flight. I think I need to travel somewhere far away.

Hey, everyone. Guess what? How do I even begin... Ready? Here we go.

How do I even begin to describe these past two weeks? I went to Oregon, watched my eldest sister get married, came back...

Let's see...

The wedding was in a vineyard, which in itself is lovely and romantic. The rows and rows of grapevines ended only to be met with blue mountains. The clouds hung over the mountains, heavy with the promise of rain. The sky itself was fickle. It was inclined to be sunny one moment, and rainy the next. There was a breeze that worried the hair, but was refreshing at the same time. The temperature was lovely... much chillier than it was in Iowa which was rocketing up into the 100's.

During the ceremony, well, I don't ever cry, but I came close when I was singing "The Story" by Brandi Carlile. You know, when you're singing, it's like everything is frozen. There is nothing else around you when you sing, and yet there is. But you're in the moment. There is nothing but the moment. Nothing but the words and the feelings you are trying to convey. My voice faltered a bit when I looked at Carissa for too long, so I had to snap my gaze away.

But really, what I want to emphasize is the sheer perfectness of everything. Even with the temperamental weather, it was perfectly and wonderfully beautiful. The looks on Kylan and Carissa' faces was enough to make anyone cry. They were just so happy. At that moment, I knew they were perfect for each other. Absolutely and completely. You would have to be a fool not to see it.

Now I, I almost wish I could have said that during Dorian and I's toast, but when I speak, I feel like I cannot properly convey what I wish to say. I always go for the funny and the jokes. But really, I want something like that someday.

The rest of the night was filled with a live band that played all sorts of music, including...correct me if I'm wrong, traditional Jewish dances and polka. Those were my favorite. We danced the night away in a vineyard framed by mountains. It was all very magical.

I mean, there was even a damn rainbow. How much more magical can you get?

We were all squished together under a tarp, but no one seemed to mind as we whirled and whirled. People huddled together at tables lit by tea candles floating in small glass containers filled with flowers. The night fell around us.

Family is magical.

It's a magical feeling to feel so connected to everyone and to be so happy. I know that their happy faces will stick in my mind forever. Especially when they were at the alter and the rain started falling.

I want something like that for myself someday.

It really was the perfect evening for them, and I hope they thought so too. I wish Kylan and Carissa love with all my heart.

After the wedding, it was time for goodbyes that following morning. I teared up when Ryan, Kyle, and Liz left. The next day, we traveled from Ashland, Oregon to Bandon, Oregon. There, I saw the other coast. Oregon is pretty magical in itself. I mean, you all should know how crazy I am about Iowa. I'm extremely...Iowan. No state can equal Iowa. But Oregon, Oregon quickly climbed its way into my heart. As I looked out the window after riding horses on the beach, I could see myself living in a small town on the coast like that... someday. Shuffling along the beach, bending to pick up pieces of driftwood... running my fingers across the smooth, sun-bleached surface.

I used to think that I loved the ocean near Maryland and Florida, but now that I think of it, I'm not really one for warm beaches. The harsh landscape of the Oregon beaches appealed to my sense of aesthetics.  The jagged rocks, the chilly ocean breeze, it was all perfectly lovely. I fear I will always be torn by longing. I don't know if it will be for places though. No, I am more interested in the moments.

It's like the beach in Normandy that I was at a year ago these past couple of weeks. I could see the remnants of the past out in the ocean. They were such lonely sentinels that contrasted sharply with the warmth of the sand and ocean spray. Normandy will also be one of my favorite beaches. It was an absolutely perfect day.

But...back to longing. I know when I go to Japan, I will long for home, but when I come back to Iowa, I will long for Japan. It's ridiculous, but I already long for the place. The more pictures I see, the more things I watch, the more I believe I am destined to go there. It's all very mono no aware, which means the bittersweetness of life, or nostalgia. (It was a very common theme found in Heian writing.)

But speaking of Japan, I am worried. I feel like I'm having a mini life crisis. I'm not sure what I want for myself. More and more I look at my pets and think, "Am I lying to myself?" All of my life I've surrounded myself by small, living creatures. Animals like me. It's almost instinctive. Hell, Jade's cats greeted me and snuggled me immediately, and only later did Jade tell me that it takes weeks for them to warm up to a newcomer, because they had once been feral.

I feel like I'm denying parts of myself by choosing one career path. It's because I want to do everything. I want to be everything. Sometimes, I wish I was narrow minded and that I had one career path, because I just knew that's what I wanted to do with myself. Like my dad, he knew he always wanted to be a doctor. How can people be so sure? Am I lying to myself by saying I want to do something else, when I'm realizing how deep my passion for living things goes? Hell, behind me are two guinea pigs, one rabbit, two fish, and a turtle. That is my room, guys.

I don't know what to do with myself! I know I'm smart enough to do it, but am I really? I know I'm smart, but will I ever be smart enough? In other words: will I ever be good enough at science if I choose animals? Will I ever be fluent enough with Japanese to even consider it as a career? I feel trapped.

Who am I? What do I want? Do I want anything?

There are some things I am sure about.
One. I will never chose to be a professional singer. It's silly to say this, since I'm only 19, but life so far has stolen some very precious pieces of me. High school broke the pieces of me that thought I would be  good enough in that aspect. I sing for a small part of my soul. It is a piece of me that is infinitely precious, but it was trampled a long time ago. I sing for family, it may sound silly to some of you, but God, and the piece of me that still wants to be heard.

Two: I will never be a writer. It's impractical, and I am not passionate or good enough. (I bring this up because I want to be one in 8th grade. And earlier, I suppose.) But that's over. I'm done with that. It's something I do for fun every now and then.

Three: I will not let myself have an allied field in history. I am saying this now, and I am going to say it strongly. I am not going to do this to myself. Bethany, just because it's easy for you, does not mean you care enough to do it. I have a mind for memorizing. History is easy. It is so damn easy. I am not interested in it enough. As much as I like old books, and enjoy reaching into the past, I am not interested enough to work with them.

Four: Bethany, why are you settling for a vet idea? That is not what you want either. You let that go a long time ago. I don't want to work with animals like that, if I were. I don't want to go every day and see a flurry of patients. I want relationships with animals, or I want nature. I don't want an office setting. I can't work like that. You scared yourself into thinking about it, because a vet is the only idea you have when it comes to animals.

I am hoping that the Earth Science class I am going to be taking this fall will give me a clue. It's something I've thought about, but I actually like the environment. The sky, the rocks, the clouds... Animals are part of the environment. What if I could do something about the Japanese environment? Since there's so much radiation right now...

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I want my future.

But I don't know how to get there.

This was a really long blog post. Sorry to clog it all up! But, really, Carissa and Kylan deserve to be happy. I love them both so much. I want them to be happy forever, because what they have is real and perfect and no one can take it away from them. I love you guys, and best wishes. Take care of each other. Even though we are separated by a vast expanse of land, know that we are connected by our bonds to each other. You can't break those bonds. They're some of the most important bonds we can ever forge in our lives. Those bonds are family. And I really, really love my family. They're so important to me, and I missed everyone so much. I still do.

This week's quote is by Julia Larson.

Have a great week.
And then I realized that it's Saturday.