hospice notice

Today I came home from school for the weekend and saw the Hospice notice on the fridge. It had my mom's doctor on it and the various workers like a spiritual worker and a social worker. You know, everything feels real at moments like that, but most of the time it feels surreal. I still can't wrap my mind around all of this. I can't even begin to comprehend that my mom is going to be gone soon. I don't understand, and I feel so frustrated and I'm just so sad all the time.

I finally broke and told another professor about my mom. I need to talk to the Dean so they can do the thing when people are sick or have some issue and they send out a notice to the professors so they know the situation. That way, I won't have to sit and stare at an email for forever and feel guilty about sending it. I feel so terrible whenever I give in and let people know how bad things are.  I'm perfectly justified in feeling the way I do, but since it feels surreal, I don't believe it's actually happening, and I just can't even explain it.

Tonight I'm sad because the Hospice notice made it Real again. I'm really scared that in a couple of years I won't remember her voice, or I won't be able to see her face clearly in my mind. In a couple years I'll be looking at these last pictures my Aunt has been taking of her and it'll all seem so faraway. Or will it? What happens? How do people do this? How do people cope with this? I'm not coping well.

I'm so upset over small things. Like, when I was a kid I remember friends saying, "Oh yeah, my grandma/grandpa died before I was born, so I didn't even know them." And it wasn't important to them and I just think that if I ever have kids, they won't know about their grandmother and as much as I tell them about her, she'll just be an abstract idea. These are just little things I can't change, but I'm just so upset thinking that in a couple years some of this will be smoothed over, because I just feel so raw right now. I don't want to forget things. I'm scared of forgetting things. I'm just so sad and so scared.

I mostly talk to myself nowadays, instead of posting my thoughts here. I don't speak aloud or anything, I just talk while I'm brushing my teeth or washing my face. I talk myself into the shower and I talk myself out. But all of the talk is the same and all of it could have gone here, but I kept it to myself instead, because if I write it then it's permanent and it's There, and I can't get rid of it anymore.

I'm losing my mom to cancer.

And everyday I am sad.

I chose to stop posting in this blog for a very long time, or at least it seemed like a long time, but really it's only been since May. A year ago is when all of this started, and a year goes by so fast, and a year can change everything.

While I was in Japan, every other week I received some sort of Bad News. Then there was a Big Emergency, and all of this weighed on me, and I decided to come back at the end of the semester. Thinking back on it now, I'm very glad I did come back, even though there were times when I was unsure.

I guess none of this was Real to me. It wasn't Real because everyone was hopeful, or at least appeared that way before I left for Japan. Nothing was Real until I came back and I saw my mom losing weight, her hair, her speech. Even still, it didn't hit me until I found out about the bone cancer.

I don't know when it was that I first saw the effects of bone cancer on the internet. Lots of people my age and younger think that the effects of illness on the body is interesting, or cool, so they'll post things like 'the effects of bone cancer' and I remember seeing a messed up picture of a skull and feeling indifferent. But I now that I know things are happening to a person I love very dearly, it's taken that to a whole new level. It's not just some picture anymore. It's Real.

And now that it's Real, I get angry. I'm not angry at the universe or God or whatever, like people expect people like me to be. I feel like I'm supposed to blame everything and anyone and some higher power, but mostly I'm just angry because my mom will never see grandchildren, or the grand canyon, or the Northern Lights, and it's Not Fair.

I'm angry that people romanticize suffering and pain. I'm angry that books like The Fault in Our Stars exist. Cancer isn't quirky. It isn't a cute trait. It's not romantic. It's not beautiful. It's not something you use as a plot device. Cancer is sitting on your floor and crying into a pillow so your suitemates don't hear. Cancer is going on vacation and then going to the ER instead of shopping. Cancer is feeling everything that makes up your entire world shift. Cancer is Sad.

I'm angry at my own weakness and my inability to do anything. All I can do is go to school every day, and when I can't manage that I feel like I'm abusing my sadness, or that I'm letting it win. I got straight A's last semester, but my personal life is a mess. But it's not a mess, because I have great friends and I get up every day and go to work and school and come back and clean pet cages and socialize and smile, and it all looks amazing and great, and then someone will say something and I'll freeze because for some reason it makes me Sad and then I push it away only for it to come back later when I am alone.

I was in my drawing class about three weeks ago and a song came on over pandora and for some reason, my mood plummeted and all I could think about was being Sad and I left. And then I was guilty and angry at myself for not being able to hold it in, and that I had been doing so well and I had managed to nearly make it through the entire semester without missing a class.

When we drove back from our vacation today, my mom apologized to us for "messing up the vacation" and no matter what we said she still blamed herself. Then she told us to keep going on vacation as a family and to continue family traditions and she started crying because she was implying she wouldn't be there. The thought of her not being with us invokes a pain I can't even being to explain. There just aren't words.

I remember when I was a little kid and I was asking about God and my mom told me that God loved us so much that we can't even begin to imagine. I remember being surprised because how could a love greater than the one I felt for my family exist. How could a large, enveloping love exist outside of the one I already felt? I've had friends tell me that being religious makes it easier, because we know that they really aren't gone, but in truth, it doesn't make it easier, because when she's gone, I'm going to want a hug, or to hear her voice, or go to places and eat at silly small riverside restaurants together, and I won't be able to do that.

People say that high school or college are the best years of your life, and I don't believe that, but it's even harder to believe that I'll ever have 'the best years of my life' when my mom won't be around to share them with me. It's Not Fair.

Every day I am sad, and every day I grieve.

My mom just laughs when I call my brother a dip shit.

Hey, everyone. Guess what? I just really want to talk. Ready? Here we go.

I don't know how I'm supposed to feel right now. How are people supposed to feel when their family member is seriously ill? Are we supposed to be fragile? Are we supposed to be strong? How are we expected to react. I've been feeling numb for quite awhile now. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing about anything.

I've only missed one day of school this year and it was either last Wednesday or the Wednesday before it. Oh, I think it was the Wednesday before it. I took that day off to breathe a bit and to emotionally get my game face back.

I haven't been blogging because this is the major event my life is circling about right now. I don't know if I can talk about it here, so I've stayed away so I wouldn't be tempted, but now when I think about it, it may be the most important thing to document. When I look back at this blog someday, I'll see these holes and I'll remember what happened at this time, but I think it's good to remember how I emotionally felt on this afternoon.

It's snowing, it's gray. I keep glancing out the window to watch the branches in the wind. Ron Pope is playing, which just adds to the atmosphere.

I just don't know.

Apparently more and more people are finding out. Dani messaged me to tell me that her mom knew about it, and her mom even knew the stage the cancer was at. So people know now. So I think it's okay to mention it in passing here. I don't want to be specific, because I'm constantly afraid to acknowledge it, because as much as I try to be optimistic, I can't help but feeling scared.

I keep thinking about Rosemary Roth, the former middle school nurse who passed a couple of years ago. Her kids are around my sibling and I's age, and I keep thinking of how they must have felt and what if that happens to me. What if my siblings and I go through that.

How do you go on after people leave you? I'm so scared.

I keep thinking about a song lyric in Into the Woods, because I had to sing it over and over again this semester and that's: "Mother cannot guide you / Now you're on your own" and then "Sometimes people leave you / halfway through the woods"

Man, that brings me back. Into the Woods really had a lot of messages to take away from anything. I miss being in that musical. It was probably my favorite musical to be in. Whenever I see any lyrics having to deal with the witch, I smirk. I still remember all the words to the vegetable rap.

I just don't know. I don't want to be dramatic, but since I'm being dramatic that's just how it is.

I will be optimistic, but I'm still very scared, because it feels like every turn has something new to punch you in the gut.

It's finals week, by the way. I'll be home next week.

This week's quote is by Dorian.

Have a great week.

Had strange and slightly disquieting dreams. Hungry for flight. I think I need to travel somewhere far away.

Hey, everyone. Guess what? How do I even begin... Ready? Here we go.

How do I even begin to describe these past two weeks? I went to Oregon, watched my eldest sister get married, came back...

Let's see...

The wedding was in a vineyard, which in itself is lovely and romantic. The rows and rows of grapevines ended only to be met with blue mountains. The clouds hung over the mountains, heavy with the promise of rain. The sky itself was fickle. It was inclined to be sunny one moment, and rainy the next. There was a breeze that worried the hair, but was refreshing at the same time. The temperature was lovely... much chillier than it was in Iowa which was rocketing up into the 100's.

During the ceremony, well, I don't ever cry, but I came close when I was singing "The Story" by Brandi Carlile. You know, when you're singing, it's like everything is frozen. There is nothing else around you when you sing, and yet there is. But you're in the moment. There is nothing but the moment. Nothing but the words and the feelings you are trying to convey. My voice faltered a bit when I looked at Carissa for too long, so I had to snap my gaze away.

But really, what I want to emphasize is the sheer perfectness of everything. Even with the temperamental weather, it was perfectly and wonderfully beautiful. The looks on Kylan and Carissa' faces was enough to make anyone cry. They were just so happy. At that moment, I knew they were perfect for each other. Absolutely and completely. You would have to be a fool not to see it.

Now I, I almost wish I could have said that during Dorian and I's toast, but when I speak, I feel like I cannot properly convey what I wish to say. I always go for the funny and the jokes. But really, I want something like that someday.

The rest of the night was filled with a live band that played all sorts of music, including...correct me if I'm wrong, traditional Jewish dances and polka. Those were my favorite. We danced the night away in a vineyard framed by mountains. It was all very magical.

I mean, there was even a damn rainbow. How much more magical can you get?

We were all squished together under a tarp, but no one seemed to mind as we whirled and whirled. People huddled together at tables lit by tea candles floating in small glass containers filled with flowers. The night fell around us.

Family is magical.

It's a magical feeling to feel so connected to everyone and to be so happy. I know that their happy faces will stick in my mind forever. Especially when they were at the alter and the rain started falling.

I want something like that for myself someday.

It really was the perfect evening for them, and I hope they thought so too. I wish Kylan and Carissa love with all my heart.

After the wedding, it was time for goodbyes that following morning. I teared up when Ryan, Kyle, and Liz left. The next day, we traveled from Ashland, Oregon to Bandon, Oregon. There, I saw the other coast. Oregon is pretty magical in itself. I mean, you all should know how crazy I am about Iowa. I'm extremely...Iowan. No state can equal Iowa. But Oregon, Oregon quickly climbed its way into my heart. As I looked out the window after riding horses on the beach, I could see myself living in a small town on the coast like that... someday. Shuffling along the beach, bending to pick up pieces of driftwood... running my fingers across the smooth, sun-bleached surface.

I used to think that I loved the ocean near Maryland and Florida, but now that I think of it, I'm not really one for warm beaches. The harsh landscape of the Oregon beaches appealed to my sense of aesthetics.  The jagged rocks, the chilly ocean breeze, it was all perfectly lovely. I fear I will always be torn by longing. I don't know if it will be for places though. No, I am more interested in the moments.

It's like the beach in Normandy that I was at a year ago these past couple of weeks. I could see the remnants of the past out in the ocean. They were such lonely sentinels that contrasted sharply with the warmth of the sand and ocean spray. Normandy will also be one of my favorite beaches. It was an absolutely perfect day.

But...back to longing. I know when I go to Japan, I will long for home, but when I come back to Iowa, I will long for Japan. It's ridiculous, but I already long for the place. The more pictures I see, the more things I watch, the more I believe I am destined to go there. It's all very mono no aware, which means the bittersweetness of life, or nostalgia. (It was a very common theme found in Heian writing.)

But speaking of Japan, I am worried. I feel like I'm having a mini life crisis. I'm not sure what I want for myself. More and more I look at my pets and think, "Am I lying to myself?" All of my life I've surrounded myself by small, living creatures. Animals like me. It's almost instinctive. Hell, Jade's cats greeted me and snuggled me immediately, and only later did Jade tell me that it takes weeks for them to warm up to a newcomer, because they had once been feral.

I feel like I'm denying parts of myself by choosing one career path. It's because I want to do everything. I want to be everything. Sometimes, I wish I was narrow minded and that I had one career path, because I just knew that's what I wanted to do with myself. Like my dad, he knew he always wanted to be a doctor. How can people be so sure? Am I lying to myself by saying I want to do something else, when I'm realizing how deep my passion for living things goes? Hell, behind me are two guinea pigs, one rabbit, two fish, and a turtle. That is my room, guys.

I don't know what to do with myself! I know I'm smart enough to do it, but am I really? I know I'm smart, but will I ever be smart enough? In other words: will I ever be good enough at science if I choose animals? Will I ever be fluent enough with Japanese to even consider it as a career? I feel trapped.

Who am I? What do I want? Do I want anything?

There are some things I am sure about.
One. I will never chose to be a professional singer. It's silly to say this, since I'm only 19, but life so far has stolen some very precious pieces of me. High school broke the pieces of me that thought I would be  good enough in that aspect. I sing for a small part of my soul. It is a piece of me that is infinitely precious, but it was trampled a long time ago. I sing for family, it may sound silly to some of you, but God, and the piece of me that still wants to be heard.

Two: I will never be a writer. It's impractical, and I am not passionate or good enough. (I bring this up because I want to be one in 8th grade. And earlier, I suppose.) But that's over. I'm done with that. It's something I do for fun every now and then.

Three: I will not let myself have an allied field in history. I am saying this now, and I am going to say it strongly. I am not going to do this to myself. Bethany, just because it's easy for you, does not mean you care enough to do it. I have a mind for memorizing. History is easy. It is so damn easy. I am not interested in it enough. As much as I like old books, and enjoy reaching into the past, I am not interested enough to work with them.

Four: Bethany, why are you settling for a vet idea? That is not what you want either. You let that go a long time ago. I don't want to work with animals like that, if I were. I don't want to go every day and see a flurry of patients. I want relationships with animals, or I want nature. I don't want an office setting. I can't work like that. You scared yourself into thinking about it, because a vet is the only idea you have when it comes to animals.

I am hoping that the Earth Science class I am going to be taking this fall will give me a clue. It's something I've thought about, but I actually like the environment. The sky, the rocks, the clouds... Animals are part of the environment. What if I could do something about the Japanese environment? Since there's so much radiation right now...

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I want my future.

But I don't know how to get there.

This was a really long blog post. Sorry to clog it all up! But, really, Carissa and Kylan deserve to be happy. I love them both so much. I want them to be happy forever, because what they have is real and perfect and no one can take it away from them. I love you guys, and best wishes. Take care of each other. Even though we are separated by a vast expanse of land, know that we are connected by our bonds to each other. You can't break those bonds. They're some of the most important bonds we can ever forge in our lives. Those bonds are family. And I really, really love my family. They're so important to me, and I missed everyone so much. I still do.

This week's quote is by Julia Larson.

Have a great week.
And then I realized that it's Saturday.

BRING IT ON #rapture

Hey, everyone. Guess what? I made it. Ready? Here we go.

I'm out of high school. Next week is graduation, but I made it. For me, I've already graduated, I've already done it. I left the school after finishing my finals, said my goodbyes, period. The end. All that's left is a ceremony to reconfirm what I already know.

The school has said goodbye to us, like it does all seniors. It's been saying goodbye all year, and we've finally decided to listen to it and respond.

You know what? Last years seniors are but a quiet memory, and the years before are nearly nonexistent. We're the same. This freshmen class never really knew us, just like I never really knew my seniors. We're all eagerly straining for our time, like dogs on a leash, and when the leash snaps, we're left tumbling out of control into places we could never have imagined. College, life, whatever you're doing, we've been cut off and we're stumbling alone, but at least we're stumbling. This is the part of your life that you have to plunge into by yourself. In the end, you're making your own decisions. Sure, it's scary as hell, but we're doing it.

Who are we?

Hah, we thought we'd know by the end of high school, but really, we're just starting out. Will we ever know? Probably not. We constantly morph.

I did it, though.

I made it out of the dark spots and came out alive and better because of it. I went through medication and spouts of tears from frustration, heartbreak and disappointments that will forever stay with me, but I did it.

Allstate completely broke my heart. Everyone told me I'd make it, two years running. It never happened. I'm out of it, though. I'm on a scholarship to sing for Knox. I may not be the best, but I'm continuing even when I feel I have no talent and nothing left to give. I keep hoping it'll turn around, and sometimes, when I sing to myself at home, I feel like I'm returning to myself.

The OCD medication shifted me, but I feel better even though it put me through hell. I don't know how much I changed because of it, and how much of the old me is left, and how much I want back. Do I want anything back?

When I left the school, it started raining. (Mr. Kraemer had told Ashley, Dani, and I that he was going to miss us and he thanked us for going above and beyond in art.) It had been sunny and beautiful and then BAM. As the bell rang and I trudged out to my car, laden with my saxophone and bags, I did something that I never do. I put my things in my car, then I stood out in the rain.

I've never really done that.

(I've always been afraid that I'll catch pneumonia.)

Dani opened the door to her car, and instead of climbing it, stood up on the ledge and pumped a fist in the air. We heard all sorts of honking from seniors celebrating, so we joined in. My broken car horn even worked for awhile. (It died near the end again.) Ashley came out and we had a group hug. In the rain.

We did it.

Sentimental. Yes. Sentimental.

And it'll forever be burned into my mind.

We did it.

I did it.

Have a great week.

Welcome to the premier of Kitten Kitchen: A new way to look at household pets!

In today's episode we'll be looking at how to make Kitten Salad, KLT, and my personal favorite, a Kittenmallow. First of all, we should always wash our hands before handling any type of food whatsoever.

Make sure your hair is tied back so the consumers of the food don't get any nasty surprises!











These are our ingredients for our Kitten Salad. A cucumber, sliced onion, a tomato, a head of lettuce, half of a green pepper, a stick of celery, and a handful of baby carrots.







You then want to carefully select the kitten. Notice the difference in sizes between these two kittens.

The one that is smaller is the one you want to choose.

Why? It's simple really, the smaller ones are more tender because they're young meat.

Also, the older the kitten is, the more likely you have already formed an attachment to it.

Therefore, chose the kitten you have not bonded with.



Then measure out one kitten.

See? Smaller kittens also fit perfectly into a measuring cup which just makes your life so much easier!










After all of this, these are the ingredients you should have:
One kitten.
One head of lettuce.
One cucumber.
One tomato.
One sliced onion.
One piece of celery.
And a handful of baby carrots.








You should then carefully wash all of your vegetables. Remember: It's unethical to wash a cat because they don't like water. It's very important to respect an animal's wishes.

You should then begin chopping up the vegetables.
Remember to cut them into even slices. You want your salad to look pretty. Food tastes better when it looks better.









After you have chopped everything up, you want to begin mixing the ingredients together.

Make sure your kitten doesn't escape!

After you have mixed your salad, it should be ready for consuming.





Next we get to make our KLT! Kitten Lettuce Tomato sandwich! First get two slices of bread. After you place them on a plate, begin squirting mustard onto one slice of your bread. Then place two slices of tomato on your other slice. Then cover up the mustard with lettuce so your kitten's fur doesn't soak up the mustard!
Then you should go and choose your kitten.

Black kittens work best for a sandwich because most people don't like black cats. Don't ask me why, but their obvious disliking for the delightful creatures would give them no reservations with eating them.

After choosing the kitten place the kitten on the lettuce side of your bread.
Close the sandwich with the other piece of bread and enjoy! You have just made a KLT!


Now for everyone's favorite meal! Dessert! We will be making a Kittenmallow. It's a wonderful treat that kids of all ages will enjoy! Plus it's simple to make!

All you have to do is choose a kitten and gather some marshmallows and an attractive cup with a straw! (I recommend a calico cat. Why? Because their striped pelts look attractive and you want your guests to enjoy looking at their dessert as well as enjoy the taste!)

Put your marshmallows and kitten together and ta da! You have an excellent dessert!

And this concludes this episode of Kitten Kitchen: A new way to look at household pets!

(No kittens were actually harmed in the making of this post. We're actually big fans of our cats and we would never dream of eating them! I would like to thank all the baby kittens and older kittens who allowed us to take their pictures. I would also to give kudos to Carissa for using my idea of taking a picture of a kitten in a measuring cup and combining it with my idea of Babies: Hot off the Grill! and also I would like to thank her for buying the vegetables and taking the pictures and cutting up everything while I just posed and posted this!)

Existing to simply take care of you...

This is Beanie. My beloved cat. There is so much I can say about him, but that would bore you to death. I have no wish to accomplish that task, at least, not yet.




It's pathetic, but Beanie plays a key role in my very existence.



Life without him is hard to imagine.



Life before him is hard to remember.






This is Merlin.

My very first bird.

I got him last May, but he is already an older bird, now, not ancient, mind you, but old enough.

I love him a bunch.

He also helps play a key role in my existence, maybe not as defined as Beanie, but hey, he's still there.


These are some of the pets you'll be hearing about.